Katrina Kaye

You need to know that the sun does not guarantee a good day and the promise of a friend and cold beer will not always be enough to lure me from my self-made cave.

There are nights so black I cannot catch my own breathe.

You need to know often there are no words.

Sometimes when I hug another person, I hold on too long. I can’t help it.

Bricks have formed from the days when the rain turned my collection of masks and cynical remarks to mud. I have built a wall so high it is near impossible to scale. It is impossible to escape.

This morning, after running four miles, I stopped to catch my breath and began to sob without provocation.

You need to know I cannot control this.

You need to know the drugs have saved my life. They do not make me emotionless or hopelessly stoned. They do not turn me zombie. The pain still pulses. The sorrow is still present. The drugs make life possible, but they do not take the sadness. Nothing ever will. I live my life beside it.

You don’t need to know about the variety of medications that I take or the ritualistic therapies that provide me comfort. You don’t need to know that something as simple as a hot bath can save my life. You don’t need to know how simple compliments can leave me feeling sour and used. You don’t need to know that a certain song at a certain time can change my entire being.

Sometimes I set fire to bridges because feeling the flames is the only thing that warms my veins.

You need to know I love stronger than a grip on bridle. That even though few have been invited inside, those who have will never be forgotten. They will leave a birthmark singed on my soul remaining long after they tire of my moods. I will not forget their kindness.

I love unconditionally. How can I see anything but the beauty in others when I am this?

I hold onto things, people, journals, pens, regret, anger, rebellion, too long. I do not accept the wear and rot of these precious things.

It is not easy to let things go.

I need you to know, you are not the first rope thrown into my grasp. But I have never been able to grip and climb, one hand over another. I merely have the strength to hold on.

I feel so alone sometimes the world erupts into a perfect understanding, only to dissipate with the tick of the clock.

You need to know that I am grateful. That I do not cherish or desire this selfishness. I want only to give, so I do. I give until I am left with nothing. I often feel as though I have, I am, nothing.

This happens every day. There is no cure.

You need to know I am not asking to be fixed.

I am not asking for anything.

I am merely surviving.

I make no promises, no commitments. I can say only that I will try.

“What You Need to Know about Depression” is previously published in Light as a Feather First Edition (2014).